>alias: videl >age: 17 >hobby: dance, sing, write, read >past @zhou yu min @bad luck @starlight @ryuu & shuu >link @esca @fulawar @jekkigirl @kara @lez @maki @maxine @nahmool @pokey @xanga

Magical Theory {+} This new year was not really exciting. In fact, I don't think any new year has been exciting. I reckon it was supposed to be this year, but my plan has been foiled. Hmm.. I think I shall update my other blog with how it has been foiled. I've realized that I am utterly stupid. There was a lot of stupid stuff I've said and done in the past year, two, three and four. So much stuff, ah! Well, I think I should leave my New Year's Resolutions here. 1. Do not eat candy or chocolate. 2. Buy leather (pants/skirt). 3. Get marked (tattooed). I wasn't very explanatory when I wrote it in my xanga, but it's easy enough to understand. I look back on all the stuff I wrote before and realized that some stuff, I really don't understand anymore. I wish I wouldn't let my emotions be so obvious sometimes. Because when I look back, I realize that I am just a stupid idiot. Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 12:14 p.m. on Saturday, January 1, 2005. HP fanfic site {+} There is so much running through my mind right now. I do not care whether or not someone I know personally is reading this stupid blog anymore. I just want to express myself in this way. The simplist thing is passion. My passion for dancing has been refueled after watching the Widener show today. Project B-Boy was terribly great, and I was absolutely intrigued. I kept saying to myself, "I should have joined. I could have danced like them." I'm not sure whether or not it's because I wanted to impress that guy or have fun dancing on stage. On some level, it is both. Oh, and I got really (secretly) angry with a friend of mine because she said that dancing never interested her. It made me feel absolutely insulted, considering such fluidity they moved in. Then again, that is her opinion. Breaching onto the next subject, I can not help but feel philosophical and emotional whenever I talk to certain people. She makes me think about myself in depth; in which, in some cases, I'd rather not think about. I have been quite distant from her even though I consider her rather close. She is a good friend to me, even though we do not talk much. She asked me whether or not I would forget her. Frankly, I don't forget most friends. I still remember Linda from Lowell and Rush. She never talked, and she moved to Boston, if I remember correctly. I always think about her whenever I see a Nautica store, because I remember she always wore a Nautica jacket. Anyway, I don't think I'll ever forget her, not even if I tried. She's been a good friend to me, even though I haven't been much of one to her. I just want to be distant this year. There are not many people who interest me much anymore. I forgot what else I wanted to mention. Goodbye. Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 09:15 p.m. on Tuesday, December 21, 2004. Nothing {+} I know I should not let my emotions take over my body, but I have. The dark emotions engulfed me once I heard the words of my mother. She thought I was not listening, but who could not hear the loud voice emitted from her mouth? I heard, even though I was surrounded by the wonderous voices of my favorite Japanese artists. I heard her say that I was worthless. Does she not understand how that makes me feel? Especially since I am in this weaken state...this weaken condition? The facade I have kept for so long has shattered. This week has been absolutely horrible to my state of mind. I know I sound overdramatic, and I do realize that. When I come across this entry in a few months, I will say that, I know. I know. I KNOW! With so many issues shrouding my mind, it is hard to focus. I feel like the thing I was before. I do not believe in anything, walking around in an empty shell. I can not disappoint others, and yet, I feel so damned disgusted with myself. Why should I allow some stupid person affect me? Nick, you stupid bastard. I want to forget. I should cut my hair...that seems to work quite well. A guy... can you believe it? One, stupid guy can make me hate myself, question myself. I want to hear it. Those stupid words. Someone tell me that it was worth it. Am I beautiful now? My thoughts do not even make sense. I hate this. Being contained for so long is killing me. I want it all to end. I want to be the one who dies this year. In my last entry, I was so damn happy. But happiness fades quickly: as quickly as it came. I don't even have a fucking appetite anymore. Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 08:34 p.m. on Sunday, December 12, 2004. Draco/Ginny Fanfiction {+} In response to what I wrote yesterday, I kind of take it back. If I had died, I would not have felt the adrenaline rush I experienced. I presented a project today, and I have to say, I am very proud of my group. ...That's all I really want to write. Oh, and I hate that lady who is suing my father! ARGH! Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 05:08 p.m. on Wednesday, December 8, 2004. Exclusive Christmas Wishlist {+} Sometimes I can feel my death. Nowadays, the thoughts of death are prevalent. Just now, as I saw a flash of lightning, I thought: "Maybe that will be me. I will die of electricution, and be fried to a crisp. In a few hours, when I am supposed to be in school for a project, my classmates will get angry at me because I did not show up, and they'll get points taken off. And then, when they watch the news, not even an hour later, they will find out that I died. Regret, regret, regret." It is an interesting thought. ...I want to die. I probably want to die for attention, which is rather sad. But I do want to die in an obscure way. I would probably hire an assassin at some age to knock me off on my birthday. It is an interesting thought, I think. In some ways, I am pretty suicidal, despite the fact that I am unable to act on my compulsion. I think the term, "sadistic masochist" is a better way to describe me. ...Scratch that. "Insane" is a better term. Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 12:36 a.m. on Wednesday, December 8, 2004. My Future? {+} A lot has changed. I feel as if I have become a new person. In fact, many have said that I have become a new person. I certainly look and feel like a new person. From my first entry, I have been exercising, but not running. I have been doing some other exercises I picked up from living on campus at Gwynedd Mercy College for a few days. So yeah, I'm "slimmer" than before, and I cut my hair differently. So yeah, a lot has happened. First and foremost, Gackt Camui has been my obsessed for the longest time. Goodbye FLAME, hello Gackt! Perfect-the word to describe him. Also, Miyavi has been on my mind, too. He's just a beautiful and great artist. Both artists have influenced me a lot. Gackt has really changed my outlook on things, and I want to get tattoos because of Miyavi, because of "philosophy," or idea, really, that tattoos are memories. I want to remember both of them. Moving on, my summer. Six weeks of it was spent living on campus, as mentioned above. I learned so much, met so many people. It was really an enriching experience, even though I had to learn. But hey, I get paid six hundred dollars by the end of this wonderful experience. So yeah, it was good. It made me see what college was like (and it wasn't too bad). School has started for more than a month now, and I am stressed out already. I am getting a C in my AP English class and that's just bugging me. Considering the fact that I haven't gotten a C since Freshmen year, I'm pretty uncomfortable (and I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now). However, my rank has improved (122/590) so that's pretty good. My GPA is 101.020. I guess it's pretty good, even though I expected to jump more than a hundred people. That's pretty impossible, so I just got to deal with the fact i'm in the top twenty-one percent. In other news... Well, the poem shall do all the talking. Bad Judgment I hate the way you make me feel All those chilling glances you steal Making me believe this was all surreal But you stir so many emotions inside of me So much darkness, it's hard to see Self-pity, jealousy, hatred, envy Beliefs of happiness all fade away When I realized how love leads the mind astray I now decided that this is the last day Begone, my Achille's heel! Even though you held so much sex appeal I hate the way you make me feel Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 01:29 a.m. on Friday, October 22, 2004. my FLAMErized xanga {+} I've been feeling really down lately. So what do I do? Yup, write in my blog, which is what I'm doing down. I would elaborate on what's been bugging me, but my pride will not let me. Well, my pride doesn't mind too much about one of my "problems." That "problem" would have to deal with my faith. I feel as if my faith is faltering. Lord knows that I don't want to feel this way. But perhaps my friend made me feel better. She told me that as long as you continue to believe in them, then you are believing in them. You don't need to pray or do anything special. As long as you hold them in your hearts. Okay, she didn't say it so flowery, but that's not the point. She just made me feel so much better.. Why is it that what my friends say to me have such a great effect? I applied to take Japanese at CCP and I handed in a late application, so I'm forced to take it from May 27th to July 1st. However, if I take it, I'll miss MKCC 2004, which is one thing I really don't want to do. But, another friend told me that I should just do what my heart desires. It seems so cliche, but it felt good hearing it from a friend.. I just felt plain shitty a few hours ago and another friend said to me, as I was comtemplating escape (and thus, escape would mean that you're a wimp and you can't handle your own damn problems), "thats also true, but i dont give a damn." Interesting. I've always said it in my head. "Who gives a flying cow what people think of you?" But...everything just sounds different when you hear someone else say it. This friend also told me to write poems or stories. You write best when you're emotional, in which I am..or was. So let's see how far I got. Stress is engulfing me I need to escape from this world of pain Give me Your hand and be my guide Take me back to the sane I don't want to be alone I don't have the strength to leave this hellhole myself If I don't have your guidance, That last verse was just crap. I need to edit it. But I'm not sure how to continue. I'll just continue writing it when I feel like it. Time to do some homework and then SLEEP. Thank the Lord for the holiday! Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 03:39 a.m. on Monday, January 19, 2004. The Source [d/g] harry potter {+} I don't know why I feel so down right now. Well, I do have a few ideas. My mother, my sister and I have been shopping together for the last two days. Technically, not shopping in the same stores, but we're in the same vicinity. It just makes me think about the future. My eldest sister wants to move out and she acts extremely disrespectful to my parents. I don't like that, especially since I'm trying to be nice as I can possibly put up with. I don't think she realizes how much they have done for her. Then again, I'm a brat and extremely spoiled. But they did do so much, even if it's not so noticable. For example, while we were driving to a mall, my sister brings up the subject of a surgery she had when she was little. She only remembers my mother being there. The reason why is because my mother always visited her and held her hand and stuff. My parents really do love us, even though they're extremely horrible at expressing it. All this just makes me think about how I'm going to act in the nearby future. I am planning to go to college, hopefully out-of-state or out-of-country. I feel the need for freedom, to be out a little more. I realize that my parents are going to be alone and still working, and I don't want that. I want to visit my parents every holiday and give them presents that they will like. I want them to live in luxury without every having to work anymore. I want them to buy the most quality of items, no matter what the price is. Interesting how love works out... I want to cry. I never really realize that I do love my parents. I always considered them such a nuisance. Just thinking about my feelings here makes me feel somewhat surprise. Who knew that this feeling I'm experiencing is love? God, I want to do so much. But I find it so impossible. I want to have kids so my parents can have so much fun with them. I want to show them innocence and purity that came from me. I want to show them their grandkids. Yet, due to their age, I just doubt that they'll ever be able to see the faces of my children. Most of all.. I want them to be proud of me. But hey, I'm still young. I should be thinking about other useless things. ...So why aren't I? Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 11:22 p.m. on Saturday, December 13, 2003. back to pitas {+} I finally made my new layout. It really didn't take me long actually. Well, I rushed because I wanted to write a new entry. For the past weeks, months even, I've been feeling pretty euphoric. Of course, I had some hard times but I got through them all. But I think today has have the most impact on me since my first layout dealing with Brian. Of course, it relates to him. --;; This morning I woke up really late and was about to be late for school, which, all in all, pretty much sucks because I'm trying to be a nerd. My grade point average is 98.275 (rank 163/636) and people were still bugging me, saying I should be #5 or some crap. So annoying. Anyway, SunMi, a good? friend [I'm questioning all my friends again] told me that Brian's "brother" is looking for a girl. Being a dumbass [not literally, I like to call people dumbasses and stupid and bums], she suggested me [after I gave permission for her to give him my name], and he said he can't be interested in me because I used to/still like Brian. I'm over the guy. I have been since before we saw Changing Lanes, which I found out when I skimmed through my past entries. Afterwards, I couldn't concentrate at all through my classes. I tried to pay attention, but it's hard when you're hurt. I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter, that I barely even like Jimmy, Brian's "brother," which is true. I barely do. But now, I just gotta suck it up, right? Yeah... Because that's life, and I should just get over it and pray to God that he will lead me away from this crap and let me concentrate on my schoolwork. I should go do it now. I'm sure I'm update again soon. Bye. Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 08:17 p.m. on Tuesday, November 18, 2003. Clean Slate {+} It's been so long since I've wrote an entry. I've just been too lazy and forgetful. Plus, I have others reading this, people that I know. So, now I have to reserve my secrets. I'll just post all that on my other blog. Yes, I made another one. Anyway, I was exercising today. Congratulations to me! I'm starting to exercise once every week (how sad). I'm just running for about twenty minutes straight. It's not bad, considering I'm a lazy bum. I absolutely love making a fool out of myself. Well, not really. I don't mean it. It just happens to happen after I don't think too clearly about what I am about to do. I almost give up trying to live the way I am. Almost. I just live like an idiot sometimes. But sometimes is different from all the time. Anyway, that's all for today. I'll be updating, if I remember. Hopefully, not in six months. I know it'll be soon because I want to change this layout. Videl walked towards Leaf Village at 04:05 p.m. on Sunday, November 9, 2003.

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